Today is the saddest day of my life. Starting today the amount of time we get to spend together is greatly diminished. Your Mom will start being your primary care giver and I feel that it could have just as easily gone the other way. I know your Mom will take good care of you and we’ll still see each other every other weekend; it’s still very hard for me after everything we’ve been through together. We’re so close and I feel so greatly that my role in your life was so under represented today (which is only my fault and the fault of my council) I feel compelled to post a few things about our relationship up to this point while some of these things are fresh in my mind.
This isn’t by any means a complete image of us but just a few things I think are noteworthy and I want you to know when your older in case I’m not around.
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I’ve wanted children my whole life and I’ve been planning for you since the day I decided to join the Army after high school. While my other friends partied I worked diligently on my career, to stay ahead of my peers; to be ready for the day you would be a part of my life so that we could spend as much time as possible together. Sometimes I didn’t always make the right choice but I never gave up.
(this is a reminder to write a post about the stuffed animals I’ve been saving for you since I was a kid ♥)
One of the reasons I moved to Bend is because I thought it would be a great place to raise a family and I wanted to meet someone who enjoyed the outdoors as I did. I’m glad you get to stay there in Central Oregon and that, though not you and I together you still can experience the joys of exploring that amazing and inspiring region.
I worked with your mother to put together your birthing plan which was very important to me and when you were born we followed it the best we could. You were born on a most beautiful June morning in Bend with blue skies. I recall a hot air balloon traveling over the hospital as I helped your mom through the from doors at St. Charles. Other than to go back and park the car I never left your mother’s side. Your mother, myself, the doctor and two nurses were the only ones present for your delivery. As we planned it, it was calm and quiet when you arrived. I’d never been through or had any experience with child birth prior; it was the most fascinating and wonderful thing that I had ever been a part of. Your conception was planned, your birth was planned. I was a very proud new father.
I’ve never been so nervous to drive IN MY LIFE as I was on the way from the hospital. Your mom wanted to stop for food and we had breakfast with my mom and sister Megan at the Victorian Cafe in Bend before heading home.
I have a memory of us sitting you up in your frog jams for a little photo. Not sure where that photo might be. You were “my little frog” after that (Kaela is my little turtle). I had purchased a canon dslr camera just prior to your birth for the sole purpose of taking photos of you and our family. It was your life that prompted my love for photography.
A few months after you were born I was wrapping my job up in Sunriver. I was the Marketing Director at Village Properties and I had excepted a job from a friend of mine at Eugene Magazine. It was 2007 and the US economy, especially Central Oregon was about to take a huge dive. Having access to real estate and lodging tax data in the tourist driven economy of Central Oregon I saw the writing on the wall. I knew things were gonna get bad (at its peak in about 2010 Bend had a 12% unemployment rate). I didn’t want us to get stuck out there in Sunriver. Your mom and I made arrangements, she stayed with you and Cadence and I went ahead to Eugene for about six to eight weeks in order to begin work and find a place to live for all of us and your mother began to pack up the house in Sunriver. I’m sure you know how protective I am about my family. It was very hard for me to leave you girls alone. I drove back almost each weekend and your mom made a couple visits to Eugene.
Your mom and I found a little place in downtown Eugene on Broadway where we got settled. We lived there a while but things at the magazine didn’t turn out as planned. Ad sales were in decline because everyone was starting to freak out about what would be later known as The Great Recession.
I decided to make the break and open an office for LD which I previously operated out of the house to handle freelance marketing clients. It was a hard time for us. I was the sole financial provider for our family and I only had $1200 to get things going but I knew with as much determination as I had I could make it a success. Rent was $350 and after buying office furniture I think I had $50. I knew you, Cadence and your mom were counting on me. During those first few months time I worked a lot. Unfortunately this was around the time things with your mom and I fell apart. I totally understand she felt I wasn’t around that fall and winter, I was working like 60 hour weeks. I thought we were in it together through thick and thin and my working so much and us living in a tiny house was our short term sacrifice together for tomorrows rewards. We had hardly any money but I knew success was right around the corner and I was not willing to give up.
In life I think, everything after the innocence of childhood, we need to take full responsibility for everything in our lives. Your responsible for the situations you find yourself and the perspective of how you see the world. (Read the books As a Man Thinketh by James Allan and Deepak Chopra’s The Book of Secrets.) Regardless of your moms actions or reactions to me, I take full responsibility for things not working out but unfortunately it’s also my view that we just don’t make good partners.
How else would we survive? Moving in with either of our parents or something would never have been an option to me. I was a grown man with a family and it was my responsibility as a new husband and father to handle it alone for us. I was proud to tackle it alone and prove to your mom and the world that nothing could stop me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my family. In hindsight maybe I could have saved my marriage by giving up but I knew I could succeed and it’s just not my character.
After your mom and I split up I rented a room down the street. It was a big place on Washington with a huge set of stairs. I have fond memories of holding your little hand in my big hand. You couldn’t make it up and down without me because it wasn’t more than 8 months prior you learned to walk.
I love you so much. I’m in tears writing this…. to be continued.
(the next night – I can’t help to think that my legal councils lack of presenting any of the materials we gave him as an exhibit has cost us out case. We provided hundreds of photos, homeschooling worksheets and projects, a curriculum calendar and medical information. I also didn’t get much opportunity talk. There are so many advantages to living here and we are all so close; none of these things were covered in detail. I haven’t slept hardly in two days. Last night I didn’t sleep at all… I’m getting use to idea that even though you and I are pretty inseparable that our relationship will be fine. It’s your relationship with Sekoya, Perseo, Kaela and Aloma that has been altered so much.)
During the first year together on our own I got a real feeling that it was just you and I against the world. That our bond would shine and see us through. I think you felt that too and I think that bond lasts to this day. I’m feeling – and hoping I’m wrong – that the lack of time we’ll be spending together here forward that bond might erode. Since you were born if there was time I could extra time with you I could grab I would. Life has always been a balance between things I have to do to support a healthy and happy home for you and spending very meaningful time with you. At least when times are tough or even this custody care are reminders of the importance of quality time and the impermanence of everything in life.
